Kroger Competitors

Ladies and Gentlemen, He is tonight's entertainment... “Big Ern” Ernie McCrackin! Co-Founder of the Kroger Cup bowling championships and Legendary competitor, Ernie can crank out a turkey while taking an important business call, like He's playing The Legend of Zelda! Then He'll casually set the phone down just long enough to 

      "FIRE IT UP!"™

Best watch your ass when Ern is in the mix. He'll take a "close look", and make the necessary adjustments needed to get him the glory. Having won numerous times himself, He's made it his mission to take down any other competitor in his way! Expect the rest of this 2024 Season and beyond to be dominated by Big Ern!

Co-Founder of the Kroger Cup bowling championships and Legendary status competitor, Geoffrey Scroggins holds the all-time most wins in the Kroger Cup Championships. Early Cuyler (R.I.P.) was nipping at his heels until he mysteriously disappeared and is presumed dead, leaving an opening on the roster that was filled by Darryl Weathers.

 Early Cuyler was prone to place cans of Skoal upon the sacred Kroger Cup, to commemorate his victories. As the cup changed hands back and forth between the two, in a swift and deadly response, Geoffrey placed statuettes of urinating Mexican men directly onto the cans as a form of protest with each victory that he took over Cuyler.

Some say it was Geoffrey's domination over Cuyler that made him "disappear" and relinquish his victory count, never to be seen again. Geoffrey will eat Paninis, but they need to be prepared in his Jurassic Park Panini maker. 

 Darryl Weathers has endured much and persevered to become a bowling legend. A victim of his job being taken from him, Darryl found himself at the local bowling alley to drown his sorrows in Fireball. Instead, a friend asked him to fill in on his bowling team and the rest is history.
Darryl is now an international bowling star. In addition to being a champion in the prestigious Kroger Cup, he has won the Sandbar Open in Belize and the Maxi Pali Cup in Costa Rica.
During his time in Costa Rica, Weathers has become a true humanitarian. His greatest passion is supporting single mothers in Costa Rica, which he has done since 2019. If not winning bowling titles, you can regularly find him at the DFW airport coming or going from yet another mission seeking out more single moms for assistance. Weathers will not rest until all of these women are fully taken care of. He also has plans to expand his humanitarian mission to the Philippines in the near future. 

Currently healing from at least his 17th surgery, Ladies and Gentlemen it's the HPM...better known as THE Handicapped Prime Minister! Constantly injured, He's a purveyor of surgery, holding the Kroger all-time record for most surgeries needed in a lifetime. He does indeed walk with a limp, but please don't mistake him for a player or a pimp. He's also the Kroger Cup participation ribbon winner 15 years running. Might we see a new and improved HPM this season after his latest surgery? Only time will tell. He's maxed out his surgical punch card and now there's nowhere to go but to the top of Kroger Glory!

Troutworm Schmigalow aka "The Schmig" has been in the Kroger race a long time, having made it to the finals but never quite sealing the deal. He's known for his legendary heckling, which always seems to have the reverse affect and usually ends up benefitting the heckled! When traditional heckling fails, expect him to attempt to win by any means necessary, possibly bombing the entire alley with his Poison Ass Gas!™ Don't worry though, he'll blame it on a small child 2 lanes over! He's made it a mission to unseat Darryl Weathers at the next event, and crush everyone in his way of Kroger Glory! Expect big things from him this season! It's always a good time when TWS is in the building!

Sir Seymour Renfield Esq. is a seasoned Kroger Veteran, and no stranger to the Championship. Having been a competitor for over a decade, He's toppled many of the greats to become one himself! He is just one win short of the 5 total wins needed to be inducted into the Kroger Legends Hall of fame! He exclusively dates married women, with their husband's consent. He's also a certified cereal enthusiast and a calendar model. Can he perhaps interest you in a gutter ball?

"Captain" Mick Chicken has been in the prestigious Kroger Cup tournament since its earliest days. A fierce competitor, he's no stranger to victory. Having won the championship a few times, he has what it takes to get the job done! He's only a few wins away from "legend" status! If his thundering rocket shot throws don't win him the trophy, He'll recharge for the next one with some of his world-famous space beer! Rumor has it, his boat was somehow misplaced so his title of Captain may be in question...

While being a newcomer to the Kroger Championships, Dr. Leonard Farthammer is far from a rookie, having won the prestigious title in only his second Kroger tournament! The Man who discovered Bowling Ball-ogy™ isn't messing around. Once a world-renowned gynecologist, Farthammer left his passion behind in pursuit of Bowling Glory, and he very well may have found it! He's also an avid cryptozoologist and can be found mimicking the sasquatch's stance and walk, in an attempt to get him to show himself. Keep a keen eye on this new addition to the roster, just 4 more wins to cement his legacy in the Kroger Legends Hall of fame!

Danbury, the first Son of the Legendary Geoffrey Scroggins, did not disappoint in his Kroger Debut! Having gone toe-to-toe with the great "Captain" Mick Chicken, he's shown he has what it takes to hone his bowling skills and compete with Kroger legends! Keep an eye on this diaper dandy! He will also eat Paninis, but they must be prepared in a Jurassic Park Panini maker. We expect big things from this newcomer in the years to come, as he fine tunes his bowling game!

Current GVFT wins: 0

Wade Waldorf has been around since the early days of the Kroger Cup Championships! Also known as "Angry McDeath" wade is definitely a wrench in the gears of the Kroger Cup Machine! He can come out of nowhere and take down even the most seasoned of bowlers. He also will stand in as the acting commissioner, if he's injured and unable to compete. Ask him about his opinion on Tropicana Birds!

Skeeter Holmquist, a former Kroger Cup champion and Pringles fanatic, is a force to be reckoned with! If he's not yelling "It's RAW!" in people's faces, you can find him in the local parks, attempting to perfect his Naruto run. He and his long-time bowling partner "Darth" Mr. Huckjam are always looking for ways to improve their scores. Though Mr. Huckjam has never competed in a Kroger championship, you can tell his influence runs strong through Holmquist! Currently residing in Arizona, he's a wildcard when it comes to competing. With having an open invitation, you never know which one he'll show up at next! 

"I never miss"...

-Skeeter Holmquist

Bjorn Florming, also known as roommate Brian, "Shocker Jesus™", Bjarn Flarming and too many other aliases to name, has competed in past Kroger Championship tournaments. Having suffered a non-bowling related injury, He may be down, but he's not out! There's always room for Bjorn at the Kroger Cup... Maybe as the new A.D.?...Perhaps the President of Kroger Cup Championships? Only time will tell!

Rusty Berger (pronounced Burger) is a new competitor in the world of Kroger Championships! He brings his go get 'em farming attitude and his secret weapon: his well-weathered leathery farm hands! Better get up before the Cocks a-doodle-doo if you think you're getting an easy win over this Agricultural meister! He practices daily on his farm, rolling large, bowling ball shaped boulders at feral cats! He does have one weakness... technology! Most mornings he can be seen smacking his Keurig and yelling curse words at the "Coffee Robots!"

"The Sultan" is a spoiled son of a Prince from Morocco! He has "won" every bowling championship in Morocco, although many were by forfeit due to his "Royal Status". Having become bored with the "competition" in his home country, he searched the world wide web and found the Kroger Cup championships! after a long and extensive application process, the commissioner, CEO, and President all agreed to let him compete and he didn't disappoint! Ligma's ego may be a bit inflated since he dethroned the sitting champion in his first Kroger appearance!

Current GVFT wins: 0

Mystery T is a new competitor in the Kroger Cup Championships, and even though he's shrouded in Mystery, he sure can bowl! He entered the fray and immediately has proven he's a contender for glory any time he's at an event! We will continue to try to find out more information on this up-and-coming star. All we know right now is, He's right-handed, but can bowl left-handed like a champ! Stay tuned!

Pubert Pickle, the son of Captain Mick Chicken, is eager to prove himself in the prestigious Kroger Cup Championships. While his father is celebrated for his thunderous turkeys, space beer parties, and championships- Pubert struggles to find his footing on the lanes. Attempting to learn his father's technique, he Thunder slams the ball straight to the ground! Despite his father's towering reputation, Pubert is determined to carve out his own identity as a Kroger competitor! He's the self-proclaimed "Helen Keller" of bowling and his stubborn nature may one day bring home the glory! 

Current GVFT wins: 0

Beatrix Cheeseworth is the daughter of Captain Mick Chicken! She has inherited her father's competitive spirit and love of space beer. Her unique approach to the game has baffled scientists all over the globe. Is she a Witch? Perhaps a Sorceress? Maybe a Mennonite? Either way, she aims to make a name for herself in the Kroger Championships!

It may take her a bit to get going, since she has to basically babysit Pubert, but once she gets rolling watch out for this Diaper dandy gal!

Current GVFT wins: 0

Sedgewick "Cartwright" Scroggins, the second son of Geoffrey Scroggins is a new addition to the Kroger Universe. A Wizard enthusiast and bowling rookie, He's ready to begin his legacy in the Kroger Cup Championships! When he tries, he can be a menace to any opponent in any sport, but a lot of the time he needs his middle earth magic just to help him hit a gentlemen's 50. Don't treat Cartwright as an easy win, he may just upset you! 

Current GVFT wins: 0

American born from a French Family, Monsieur Peekel has been baptized in the brine of the family business... "Tickle Pickles" was a pickle cannery founded by his great grandfather Borch. After years of the business being cursed by roaming gypsies, Tycol took it upon himself to become ordained in order to pray the curse away. Surprisingly that worked! Having saved the family business, he left the rectory and has found a higher calling... to rid the Kroger Cup of all its vulgarities and claim the Cup in the name of Borch!

Current GVFT wins: 0

New addition to the Kroger Roster- Latoya. profile coming soon!

New addition to the Kroger Roster- Walmart Bag! profile coming soon!

Current GVFT wins: 0

Hailing from the loins of Kroger veteran Troutworm Schmigalow, BunnyKins has spent the last 20 years watching her father's failed attempts at achieving Kroger Glory... and she's had enough! BunnyKins has decided to go through the rigorous application process and attempt to bring honor and glory to the Schmigalow name! Watch out for BK Schmigalow!

New addition to the Kroger Roster- The Bowler known only as "Milk Dud". profile coming soon!

Krampus: Honorary member of the Kroger Cup roster, you never know if he'll show up at a December event!